In the past 42 hours I’ve watched three movies about people with “schizophrenia” (in actuality it would be defined as multi-personality or split personality disorder). I thought I should put together a quick guide so you can rest assured that your friends are not made up in your head. (This is simply based on Hollywood’s gross interpretation and glamorization of schizophrenia, not on any actual evidence.)

1. Does your close friend show up when you think about him or her?
2. Have you introduced your friend to your other friends and family? (Did they respond to your friend?)
3. Does your friend urge you to do things that you wouldn’t typically do? (Steal, lie, start a group of people who beat each other up for thrills, murder for fun)
4. Do you often space out or stand very still when in public and talking to your friend?
5. Does your friend ever age?
6. Does your friend wear the same clothes?
7. Can your friend physically pick up any object?
8. Is your friend chasing you or making you do “secret government work”?
9. Does your friend appear out of thin air?
10. Are you mentally, spiritually, or sexually repressed and wish that you were someone else because you thirst for blood?
11. Does your friend always seem to know extremely personal things about you?
12. Does your friend always seem to “know the truth” about other people?
13. Does your friend have qualities that you lack? (Outgoing, fun, likes to murder [cannot stress this enough])
14. Does your friend hate your other friends so much that he or she finds and excuse not to ever be around them?
15. Does your friend happen to strongly resemble a famous celebrity?

Answer yes to three or more of these? Please post your name, address, and a picture in my comments. You will receive a restraining order in 2-3 weeks. Thanks.